I'm done with this world.
the ball's no longer rollin' in my court.
or just give me another chance to live.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
The Very First
this's the very first blog post I've ever written in my 18 years of life, and the inspiration to do this wasn't really good inspirations after all. I needed somewhere to pour everything out, somewhere where there's no judgement, somewhere where to write down everything that I'm going through.
I'm really very tired, tired of this life of mine. I've been through endless unhappiness and obstacles. no matter how i've fuckin tried to change things, no matter how i've wanted to become a better person, things just ain't seem to be changing at all. sometimes the things you've wanted and worked hard for just cannot fuckin happen, no matter how hard you've given in and sacrificed. i was naive enough to actually believe that there are some others out there worth the living for. but i was so wrong. when this world's not built for you, nothing's gonna work out no matter long you are willing to wait.
I've been literally pretty drained recently. few months back, i thought i found the courage to live a better life again, to face challenges face-on. for those few months, I lived happy days, i was practically awaiting the rising of each and every day. but as the days passed, things started to change and I realised that what i believed in have started to drift away from me, and nasty thoughts seemed to have came out and gotten a piece of me.
few months back i came to know you through some camps and stuff, and i thought what a great person you are, sweet, cute, caring and all. I've wanted so much to get your number, and i was so afraid to ask for it. but luckily i went to work on the second day and i've managed to get your contact through that. you told me to phone you when i'm back. haha i really did when i wnt back to sch at around 9. you came to find me and got me my dinner. though i knew it was really part of your duties, i fully appreciated it and that gesture really made me think that you were really a sweet person. through the remaining day of the camp, i've tried to get to know you more, but sadly there really werent any more chances. after i went home, my mind was abuzz with pictures of you, never mind the fact that i was very tired then. i was very much afraid that our friendship will really stop there. i tried so hard to gather the courage to text you and tried getting to know you better. i was afraid, that i would fail in my attempt, but miraculousy you replied me.
whatever that happened next was history, and we went to become good friends, and i would recieve quite a number of messages frm you in a single day. for those days, i really enjoyed my life. you made me believe that there's still someone out there who can understand and care for me. unconsiously my life was beginning to revolve around yours more and more with each day.
up until somewhere in may 20s, we were really on good terms and i really loved your company. but there was this once that i've made you waited 38 mins for me at ikea near my house. I thought nothing much would happen and we will still be great friends. BUT HOW FUCKING WRONG I WAS!! I SEEMED TO HAVE LOST YOU THE MOMENT I LEFT YOU THAT DAY. IF I HAD KNOWN, I WOULD BE THERE WAITING FOR YOU.
I've wanted so much to be with you, to be there for you, to be the one you can count on place your faith on. but i didnt had the courage to show it as i knew i wasnt good enough for you. i was afraid that my feelings will only get toyed once again. though you showed me care and concern, i really took you for granted at times. i'm so sorry! i neglected you many times, never spending a moment's thought on my actions. now that i've really lost you, i'm beginning to realise that i'm really screwed this time, it feels as if i had taken the very last chance that i'll ever get in my life. i wasnt feeling so bad when i thought you just wanted to be friends with me, but when i saw and knew you're actually in love with another guy, it really felt as though needles were running through my veins all over my body. i was so sad and disappointed that i didnt cherish you when i still had you. and now that you're leaving for good, it just feels everything is over and done with for me.
i think i have enough of this lamenting. its been an alien post, its so freaking long. but honestly, thats how i'm feeling inside, with so many thoughts crossing my mind every now and then. take my word for it, no matter what's your take on me, i'll be there for you when you ever will need it.
if there's ever this chance of you reading this post of mine, i really wish there's a chance of you changing your mind about me. would there still be chance for you to forgive me for my misdoings? I'm still very much missing you, everyday, every moment, more than you can every think of. what this means to me is very much more than i know you would believe.
I'm really very tired, tired of this life of mine. I've been through endless unhappiness and obstacles. no matter how i've fuckin tried to change things, no matter how i've wanted to become a better person, things just ain't seem to be changing at all. sometimes the things you've wanted and worked hard for just cannot fuckin happen, no matter how hard you've given in and sacrificed. i was naive enough to actually believe that there are some others out there worth the living for. but i was so wrong. when this world's not built for you, nothing's gonna work out no matter long you are willing to wait.
I've been literally pretty drained recently. few months back, i thought i found the courage to live a better life again, to face challenges face-on. for those few months, I lived happy days, i was practically awaiting the rising of each and every day. but as the days passed, things started to change and I realised that what i believed in have started to drift away from me, and nasty thoughts seemed to have came out and gotten a piece of me.
few months back i came to know you through some camps and stuff, and i thought what a great person you are, sweet, cute, caring and all. I've wanted so much to get your number, and i was so afraid to ask for it. but luckily i went to work on the second day and i've managed to get your contact through that. you told me to phone you when i'm back. haha i really did when i wnt back to sch at around 9. you came to find me and got me my dinner. though i knew it was really part of your duties, i fully appreciated it and that gesture really made me think that you were really a sweet person. through the remaining day of the camp, i've tried to get to know you more, but sadly there really werent any more chances. after i went home, my mind was abuzz with pictures of you, never mind the fact that i was very tired then. i was very much afraid that our friendship will really stop there. i tried so hard to gather the courage to text you and tried getting to know you better. i was afraid, that i would fail in my attempt, but miraculousy you replied me.
whatever that happened next was history, and we went to become good friends, and i would recieve quite a number of messages frm you in a single day. for those days, i really enjoyed my life. you made me believe that there's still someone out there who can understand and care for me. unconsiously my life was beginning to revolve around yours more and more with each day.
up until somewhere in may 20s, we were really on good terms and i really loved your company. but there was this once that i've made you waited 38 mins for me at ikea near my house. I thought nothing much would happen and we will still be great friends. BUT HOW FUCKING WRONG I WAS!! I SEEMED TO HAVE LOST YOU THE MOMENT I LEFT YOU THAT DAY. IF I HAD KNOWN, I WOULD BE THERE WAITING FOR YOU.
I've wanted so much to be with you, to be there for you, to be the one you can count on place your faith on. but i didnt had the courage to show it as i knew i wasnt good enough for you. i was afraid that my feelings will only get toyed once again. though you showed me care and concern, i really took you for granted at times. i'm so sorry! i neglected you many times, never spending a moment's thought on my actions. now that i've really lost you, i'm beginning to realise that i'm really screwed this time, it feels as if i had taken the very last chance that i'll ever get in my life. i wasnt feeling so bad when i thought you just wanted to be friends with me, but when i saw and knew you're actually in love with another guy, it really felt as though needles were running through my veins all over my body. i was so sad and disappointed that i didnt cherish you when i still had you. and now that you're leaving for good, it just feels everything is over and done with for me.
i think i have enough of this lamenting. its been an alien post, its so freaking long. but honestly, thats how i'm feeling inside, with so many thoughts crossing my mind every now and then. take my word for it, no matter what's your take on me, i'll be there for you when you ever will need it.
if there's ever this chance of you reading this post of mine, i really wish there's a chance of you changing your mind about me. would there still be chance for you to forgive me for my misdoings? I'm still very much missing you, everyday, every moment, more than you can every think of. what this means to me is very much more than i know you would believe.
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